Another year.

Well mom, it's been too long. Please don't feel bad about me not writing, I haven't written anything in about this long. I can't seem to keep my thoughts together long enough to manage cohesive posts.

H turned three today. You didn't even get to see her turn one. You would like her. She is wicked smart and man can she work a room!

J is doing really well in school and outside of it. He is reading everything that we drive past! He is wicked smart too and very sweet!

It's all so weird sometimes. I am so sad all the time right now. I'm sure there are a lot of factors but the anniversary of your death always seems to bring tears. What's weird is that it seems to be delayed this year. Or it's prolonged because I didn't have any time to deal with it when it was happening. I still miss you.

Tired.

I still don't get enough sleep mom. The kids are fine for a while and then something will upset them so they hop back into the big bed with us. Only you know that a queen sized mattress and 4 people doesn't work. You would have laughed the other night though. J2 had a bad dream so he got up, which woke H up, so they came to bed with me. J hadn't come to bed yet since he was out so once he got home he just decided that it would be easier to sleep in the kid's full size bed by himself. About midnight or so I got pushed to the way far edge of the bed by my lovely thrashing children! lol! I gave up at that point and retreated downstairs to sleep!

School is going well enough; the semester just started so it's not too hot and heavy yet. I should graduate this summer with my AS. I wish you could be there in person to see me walk to stage. I know you were disappointed when I didn't walk for my high school graduation. I know that you will see me though. I have to know.

I stopped by the cemetery the other day to leave you the state quarter that came out this year for Colorado. We had a great trip out there, and the family has taken us in with open arms. It's like coming home for me because I always felt like a black sheep with dad's family. I love them, and they love me well enough, don't get me wrong, but I'm different from all of them. I always have been. I fit in just fine with your family though. Just fine.

I'm down 40 odd pounds from June of 07. I'm working on the last 35 now. I'm hoping to have them gone by sometime in March, but if it ends up being May or June I'll be okay with that too. I am watching my diet and trying exercise, the only real way to lose weight, I know. I'm scared since it looks like the gene for the cancer is in the family. That's part of my motivation. I want to do everything that I can to prevent my kids losing me because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I think it's never the time to lose your mother, but a part of me gets mad when I think about how I was only 28 when I lost you. I have so long to live with no way to get advice, or funny stories about what I did as a kid, to compare and use with my own children. My grief counselor recommended a book to me about being a motherless daughter. I'm going to get it and see if it helps. Of course, the list of books that I have to read and want to read are both so long right now that I could read for the next year straight and barely dent it! But you know how it is to be a book lover. Shoot, you're part of where I get my love of books.

I really do need to go to bed now mom. I love you. We'll walk again soon.