Anniversary.

Today's the day. You died at 6:32 pm a year ago today. I had plans for some stuff to do today to show you that I remember and that I love you, but it was rainy and gray. You know how the weather affects me. At least it matched my mood. It's been pouring since about two pm so I have basically been holed up in the house with the kids. They are in bed now, J is at school, and I should be doing homework, but I can't seem to focus. I'm giving myself permission to be unfocused for today. Life just isn't the same without you Mom. I suppose that's the way that it goes, but it doesn't make it any better or easier.

Tired.

I still don't get enough sleep mom. The kids are fine for a while and then something will upset them so they hop back into the big bed with us. Only you know that a queen sized mattress and 4 people doesn't work. You would have laughed the other night though. J2 had a bad dream so he got up, which woke H up, so they came to bed with me. J hadn't come to bed yet since he was out so once he got home he just decided that it would be easier to sleep in the kid's full size bed by himself. About midnight or so I got pushed to the way far edge of the bed by my lovely thrashing children! lol! I gave up at that point and retreated downstairs to sleep!

School is going well enough; the semester just started so it's not too hot and heavy yet. I should graduate this summer with my AS. I wish you could be there in person to see me walk to stage. I know you were disappointed when I didn't walk for my high school graduation. I know that you will see me though. I have to know.

I stopped by the cemetery the other day to leave you the state quarter that came out this year for Colorado. We had a great trip out there, and the family has taken us in with open arms. It's like coming home for me because I always felt like a black sheep with dad's family. I love them, and they love me well enough, don't get me wrong, but I'm different from all of them. I always have been. I fit in just fine with your family though. Just fine.

I'm down 40 odd pounds from June of 07. I'm working on the last 35 now. I'm hoping to have them gone by sometime in March, but if it ends up being May or June I'll be okay with that too. I am watching my diet and trying exercise, the only real way to lose weight, I know. I'm scared since it looks like the gene for the cancer is in the family. That's part of my motivation. I want to do everything that I can to prevent my kids losing me because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I think it's never the time to lose your mother, but a part of me gets mad when I think about how I was only 28 when I lost you. I have so long to live with no way to get advice, or funny stories about what I did as a kid, to compare and use with my own children. My grief counselor recommended a book to me about being a motherless daughter. I'm going to get it and see if it helps. Of course, the list of books that I have to read and want to read are both so long right now that I could read for the next year straight and barely dent it! But you know how it is to be a book lover. Shoot, you're part of where I get my love of books.

I really do need to go to bed now mom. I love you. We'll walk again soon.

I miss you mom.

As the anniversary of your death draws closer I keep thinking of this time last year. You were so sick but you were still alive. I guess I thought I was supposed to be "done" greiving you by the time a year had passed. I am not done grieving though. I have done some tasks to try to move forward, but I miss talking to you. So these posts will be my letters to you. I know that somehow it will help me, and that your energy will know that I still love you.