Birthday.

Hiya mom! Happy Birthday! Today you would have been 59.

It's really hard to believe that you've been gone for over 3 years now. Time keeps racing on and some days it's easy and other times it's really hard. I almost had a breakdown this year at your anniversary so I left town and spent the weekend with a friend in Alabama. I thought that missing you was supposed to get easier but it doesn't always seem to work that way. But for that one week of the year I feel just the teeniest bit sorry for myself that I don't have you around anymore.

You'd really like my friend mom. She's smart, funny, and she's got her head on straight. She also likes those Necco wafers that you love! :o)

The kids are good. The divorce was the best thing I've done in a long time. J and I have gone to joint/split custody/time with the kids and they are happy and well-adjusted. That's all that matters to me. J and I get along so well now that it's almost funny! We couldn't stand being married to each other but we co-parent from two houses like champs! He's getting remarried on the 1st of May to a nice woman who is a great step-mother to the kids so that's a good thing too.

I'm busy with school, and I'm finally working as a freelance bookkeeper and loving it. I'm not making much now because school is taking up so much of my time but next semester I'm going to back off of school some and work more. The stress level is just too high right now. I miss the way you could always calm me down when the pressure cooker effect got to me mom. I could use a little of that now. I'm going to visit your grave tonight and bring you balloons just like always with my wish note. It still feels right so that's what will happen.

Mom, I know you're still around somehow but I wish I still had you here for me in a tangible way. I'm selfish that way I guess. Little J still talks about you. It's nice that he still remembers you. I'll never forget. I love you always mama.

Another year.

Well mom, it's been too long. Please don't feel bad about me not writing, I haven't written anything in about this long. I can't seem to keep my thoughts together long enough to manage cohesive posts.

H turned three today. You didn't even get to see her turn one. You would like her. She is wicked smart and man can she work a room!

J is doing really well in school and outside of it. He is reading everything that we drive past! He is wicked smart too and very sweet!

It's all so weird sometimes. I am so sad all the time right now. I'm sure there are a lot of factors but the anniversary of your death always seems to bring tears. What's weird is that it seems to be delayed this year. Or it's prolonged because I didn't have any time to deal with it when it was happening. I still miss you.

Reminders.

Mom,

I finally went though most of the stuff in your room. It was not as hard as I thought it would be, and then harder then I thought as well. I'm sure that you understand. I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest while I was doing it, but then I also had a feeling of moving forward. This doesn't mean that I don't think about you every day. I think it just means that now I am making progress in incorporating you in my life without so much pain.

You have some beautiful jewelry that I don't remember ever seeing you wear. I even found the diamond earrings that J1 gave you for Mother's Day one year, and they still had the original tags on them. I have decided to wear them myself, and when H gets old enough I will give them to her so she can have a piece of you. I hope it will become a family tradition for us. I figure that you must have been thinking that you would save all your nice jewelry for when you went out but since you were so sick for so long those opportunities didn't present themselves very often.

Speaking of often, I have compiled your absolute favorite clothes, including all of your really comfy stuff, and I'm going to make a quilt for the me and the kids to use. I want them to know you even though you aren't physically here anymore. That and it will comfort me to have your favorite things to keep me warm. I know you're laughing a little right now because I don't know how to quilt yet, but I'm going to learn. I've had kids, I learned how to put in an electrical socket, surely I can handle a quilt! :o) I know that's what you would say.

I'm going to finally graduate with my Associates of Science in May. I'm going to walk this time, not like high school where I skipped it out of spite, and I'm proud of myself. I know that you are too. I start on my Bachelor's in the fall. I was going to try to go to UC Denver but the housing market is so soft that I think we'll be staying put for a while. This means that I will probably go to TSU. A fine school to be sure and I am still excited about going there, like I was when we talked about it years ago! I was just hoping in a small part of me to go to Denver to be close to your side of the family.

I absolutely adore your family mom! I think they like me too! ;o) Oh, Auntie M just called I'll write more later.

Love you.

Anniversary.

Today's the day. You died at 6:32 pm a year ago today. I had plans for some stuff to do today to show you that I remember and that I love you, but it was rainy and gray. You know how the weather affects me. At least it matched my mood. It's been pouring since about two pm so I have basically been holed up in the house with the kids. They are in bed now, J is at school, and I should be doing homework, but I can't seem to focus. I'm giving myself permission to be unfocused for today. Life just isn't the same without you Mom. I suppose that's the way that it goes, but it doesn't make it any better or easier.

Tired.

I still don't get enough sleep mom. The kids are fine for a while and then something will upset them so they hop back into the big bed with us. Only you know that a queen sized mattress and 4 people doesn't work. You would have laughed the other night though. J2 had a bad dream so he got up, which woke H up, so they came to bed with me. J hadn't come to bed yet since he was out so once he got home he just decided that it would be easier to sleep in the kid's full size bed by himself. About midnight or so I got pushed to the way far edge of the bed by my lovely thrashing children! lol! I gave up at that point and retreated downstairs to sleep!

School is going well enough; the semester just started so it's not too hot and heavy yet. I should graduate this summer with my AS. I wish you could be there in person to see me walk to stage. I know you were disappointed when I didn't walk for my high school graduation. I know that you will see me though. I have to know.

I stopped by the cemetery the other day to leave you the state quarter that came out this year for Colorado. We had a great trip out there, and the family has taken us in with open arms. It's like coming home for me because I always felt like a black sheep with dad's family. I love them, and they love me well enough, don't get me wrong, but I'm different from all of them. I always have been. I fit in just fine with your family though. Just fine.

I'm down 40 odd pounds from June of 07. I'm working on the last 35 now. I'm hoping to have them gone by sometime in March, but if it ends up being May or June I'll be okay with that too. I am watching my diet and trying exercise, the only real way to lose weight, I know. I'm scared since it looks like the gene for the cancer is in the family. That's part of my motivation. I want to do everything that I can to prevent my kids losing me because I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I think it's never the time to lose your mother, but a part of me gets mad when I think about how I was only 28 when I lost you. I have so long to live with no way to get advice, or funny stories about what I did as a kid, to compare and use with my own children. My grief counselor recommended a book to me about being a motherless daughter. I'm going to get it and see if it helps. Of course, the list of books that I have to read and want to read are both so long right now that I could read for the next year straight and barely dent it! But you know how it is to be a book lover. Shoot, you're part of where I get my love of books.

I really do need to go to bed now mom. I love you. We'll walk again soon.

I miss you mom.

As the anniversary of your death draws closer I keep thinking of this time last year. You were so sick but you were still alive. I guess I thought I was supposed to be "done" greiving you by the time a year had passed. I am not done grieving though. I have done some tasks to try to move forward, but I miss talking to you. So these posts will be my letters to you. I know that somehow it will help me, and that your energy will know that I still love you.